Starbucks update

Dear jumjum,

Thoughts of blogging have ebbed and flowed increasingly over the past few months. Partly contributing is that like countless others, the pandemic has shifted my focus and perspective on what I value and want in life. In particular, my two month extended break at home ('what if I never left?') and the impending end of my formal studies ('to leave or not to leave academia?') has left open-ended tabs in my mind. 

Four years ago when I decided to do my MPhil degree, I also gave myself an out: 'I'm just trying this research thing out and I can do something else after 2 years if it doesn't suit me.' At the end of 2 years, I  felt like it wasn't enough trial time and I continued on to my PhD still feeling like an imposter. It feels like a joke that in my final year, I still haven't decided if this is for me. At a labmate's first MPhil lab meeting presentation last week, I envied that she was at the starting point and I wanted a do-over and that "clean slate" to maximise my productivity. I've come to the realisation that in the past four years, I wasted so much time and energy on worrying if I'm on the right path. I am also painfully aware that this worrying and time-wasting is ongoing.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I'm sitting here in Starbucks on a Sunday, catching up on papers while flipping through the open tabs of my mind. I shared my worries chatting with Cat and on a call with my mum, after which I just felt overwhelmed with gratitude. Yes, I'm graduating in less than a year and I don't know where I'll go. Yes, I have four projects that seem impossible to finish in that time. But all I am at this moment is grateful for the support of family and friends, a great supervisor and exciting projects. There are inifinite possibilities to the paths I take, but right now I'm happy that I'm happy with this one.

*atm*

Quarantine in Hilton Kuching (Part I)

Dear jumjum...

When we arrived at the Hilton hotel we were ushered into a room to fill out forms, and the whole setting was very classroom-sy. I think most of us were actually students but even the mid-40s guys started calling the person in charge "Cikgu! (teacher!)" for help on the form, "Cikgu" went along with our antics and it was hilarious. After some processing time, we were finally given keys and told to go up to our rooms.

Last steps of freedom.

I have just completed Day 4 out of 14, so far so good! I think it helps a lot that I have ample space and I can see people going about their day outside my huge windows- it makes me feel less of a prisoner. I'm also trying to stick to a schedule and I have a list of tasks to keep me busy each day on top of work. Saying the rosary and meditating immediately after waking up are habits that I developed since the beginning of the year, the latter especially to cope with feeling overwhelmed and stressed. I'm finally trying out yoga using the spare towel laid out on the carpeted floor.

Task tracking on Notion

The one thing I brought to brighten up my room- fairy lights!

The food here is basic but very Malaysian, which I definitely miss. Here is a photo dump from the past 3 days!

Day 2

                                

Day 3

  

Day 4

 

I have been absolutely spoiled these few days! My parents have been sending me daily care packages and even parked across the road to wave at me through the windows. Quarantining in your hometown has got to be the best thing because you can look forward to packages from your family! One thing I wish I had in this room is a mini fridge, because mum likes to send me tons of cut fruit in one go and when I can't finish it, I crank up the A/C to keep my fruits cold, then hide under the covers!

                              

Cream puffs from my cousin Meg

Homemade taro buns from my Aunt Molly

*atm*

Returning and Quarantining in Kuching

 Dear jumjum,

I had been pining to go home all year and especially after I was vaccinated, and fortunately I had worked out a time where I didn't have much experiments to do, but a bunch of analyses that could be done remotely. After getting my PhD supervisor's approval came the real challenge- working out the logistics of getting home. Policies changing and limited flights were challenging, but coordinating everything- 72 hours prior, X and Y tests, entry applications, transit and connecting flight matching with quarantine hotel availability made it a complete nightmare. I struggled with whether or not it was even worth it- the costs and the risk of spreading variants around, but Pik Ai told me to 'think about the decision I would regret not taking' and that helped settle things for me. 

I put off packing until the very last moment because I was preparing myself should any cogs in my balik kampung wheel fail. Sure enough, there was a dramatic rejection for entry and frantic calls to the department hours before my flight. 

Hong Kong International Airport

I was initially going to transit in Kuala Lumpur but had to rebook my flight once they said that I would need to quarantine there too. I ended up flying through Singapore, which was an interesting experience. Transit passengers were escorted (in single file, bookended with personnels) to a designated holding area which was quite comfortable but reminded my of camp- bodies sleeping on various surfaces. They had a food delivery service, vending machines and charging ports. Still, I found it quite hard to sleep as the lights were super bright, cold, and every few hours the staff would come in shouting to get passengers to their connecting flights. It all seemed very well organised but it reminded me of kindergarten when we were made to 'line up', reminded to 'get all your belongings', and 'go to the bathroom before we leave'.

It was good to finally reach Kuching! The pace, the people and the place just make me so happy, but at the same time I feel quite anxious with being covid-careful. The cases in HK have been incredibly low compared to Kuching, and the meticulous person in me can't keep up with all the things I think I should clean. But we get ahead of ourselves. The 14 day quarantine in Kuching is free for Sarawakians, but we don't know which hotel we would be at until we physically arrive there in the bus. I am a fussy person with weird things I can't stand (eg cracked tiles), and having never been forced to 'stay home' in HK, I've been very worried about how I would fare alone in quarantine. So it was terrifying but also quite exciting in the bus, and you could feel the anticipation on everyone's mind. We ended up at the Hilton hotel, and I'm SO grateful for the large space and crazy views of Waterfront and the Sarawak River. 

-to be continued-

*atm*

Celebrating 25 years

Dear jumjum...

  It's hard to believe that I am now a quarter of a century old! Back when I was in primary school, I used to draw all the time and I would always draw girls. I loved depicting them from infancy, school years, getting married, having children, right up to them in their old age. It was also very important to me that I tagged each drawing with their ages. For whatever reason, the girls I drew always got married at 25! And so it was a little disappointing for the little Jacq in me that I am still nowhere near being married.

  As always, I planned my own birthday celebration and it was just a quiet lunch on the day itself- but somehow I was lucky enough to have my birthday festivities stretch out over 4 days. The first day was the day before, on Friday, where I celebrated with my lab mates and finally got an ice cream cake after hankering after one since I was 11 ;)

                  

  Lunch on my birthday was at a Mongolian buffet place where you pick out raw ingredients and the chefs fry it up for you. It was really nice to get almost all of my close friends together and Rika made a surprise appearance, having happened to be in HK for the weekend. I had an interesting bouquet of broccoli from Julie and her husband, and they stuffed fish maw as the flower "stems".

                  

  I was supposed to have dinner with hall tutors that night but it got cancelled, and to be honest I was already feeling tired and enjoyed nothing more than tapao-ing some KFC and mini cakes to eat in my room, and I was happily in bed by 9pm!

 

  On the next day we had a full day of inter-university futsal matches, *** during which I was sadly informed would be my last USF futsal match since the age limit is 25. We had more cake after though. Then we had more cake when Mika returned from...wherever she returned from.

***Due to the gross negligence on the part of the owner, this blog post (written over a year ago) has been sitting piteously in my drafts while I eventually turned 26. The previous paragraph has been finished off to the best of my memory. Anyway, here are pictures from my 26th birthday with a self-baked cake!

*atm*

Enter: The scary world of Fasting

Dear jumjum...

  Early last year I came across a wave of Youtube videos of people trying intermittent fasting, and it really intrigued me, especially when they talk about the science behind it (disclaimer: although I am a scientist-in-training, I've never actually read the papers on intermittent fasting, just the highlights). I found that it logically made sense to me and so in an impulsive instant, I decided to try it myself.

  People who know me would be very surprised at my decision.  I remember fasting (2 half meals, 1 full meal) for Ash Wednesday 2018 and talking to my mum on the phone after, complaining about how hungry I was and how I would never be able to fast! As someone who used to be proud of never ever skipping breakfast- no matter how early she had to start her day, and as a strong advocate of not "putting your body into starvation mode", I had long and hard battles at the lab when my labmates found out. The only support I had was from my dad, who, as a fellow (and quite recent) Youtube addict, was also convinced that it might be a good way to lose weight. I also found out that my professor was also practicing fasting.

  I started out with the 16:8 method, choosing to eat between 12 noon and 8pm daily. The first week was quite uncomfortable, dealing with a stomach growling in protest- but after the first few days I started to relish at the feeling of being hungry (which I hardly ever felt before), and being grateful that I was fortunate to break my fast in just a few more hours. When I got used to 16:8, I decided to switch to one meal a day, which was so brutal that I decided to quit after a month. The main problem for me was getting enough calories in one meal (therefore feeling fatigued everyday) and having to decide between lunch or dinner. Lunch is like a social event for me- hanging out with my labmates; but dinner is when I am at leisure to eat more and longer, and having the option to eat outside of campus with friends. 

  I did start to lose some weight slowly, but after some drama last summer and a long period of getting sick, I went back to my old eating habits and also started to eat much more, gaining it all back. This year, I've been trying to get back into it, especially after the inevitable Chinese New Year indulgences.

  My first intention with this post was to blog about my experience with yet another fasting method- the water fast, where you consume nothing but water for X days for a ton of benefits in addition to weight loss, such as reducing bloating, reducing inflammation, cell regeneration etc. Lately, I have been plateauing with my weight loss and feeling very restless in general, so I thought I'd give it a try. Some people do a 5 or 7 day fast, and some overweight folks try 30 days to a few months, but it was so daunting that I decided to just do a 3 day fast. 

  I initially started on Tuesday this week, and was doing fine until my labmate tried to get me to join her for dinner. I was doing great and wasn't hungry at all, but I was just so bored. I realise that eating, for me, is a break. No matter how busy I am, my feeding time is when I forget about everything and just wind down. And so I caved. I started again on Wednesday, which was actually Ash Wednesday, so I wasn't really tempted to cheat at all and even worked out for an hour with no problems. Unfortunately, HK couldn't decide between reverting back to winter weather and moving forward into summer, so it was both cold but super rainy that night. Fasting made me feel so cold I had to put socks on to sleep. I had the weirdest dream of eating strawberries in my bed! This morning I woke up feeling great, and I had a shot of salt water (to replenish electrolytes). In the afternoon however, everything went downhill. I was distracted by thoughts of food and how delightful good food is throughout my labmate's presentation. To make things worse, my labmate's mom made some incredible-smelling herbal egg dish for us to share and I couldn't partake in any of it- although my labmates tried their best to persuade me. Many people who try fasting sing praises about how productive and focussed they were, but by late afternoon, my constant thoughts of food interfered with my ability to work! I also broke out into a cold sweat and started to feel dizzy. I felt physically exhausted, like I had to force my body to do simple things like walking to the toilet. The thought of having to go to football practice tonight seemed almost impossible. And so I called it quits at 46 hours.

  As per internet advice, I broke my fast carefully, starting with some chicken soup. I felt perfectly normal so I went on to eat (maybe too much) mixed nuts and some Greek yoghurt and berries. I thought it would be fine, since most people feel nauseous just moments after eating. Boy was I wrong. An hour into football practice, all the running made me feel like throwing up! I didn't want to go to sleep yet in case I really needed to throw up, but by the end of typing this post I think I feel much better. 

  And so, I really don't think extended fasts are my thing. I really don't know how other people do it, and right now, I have no intention of ever doing it again! On the bright side, it has increased my appreciation and enjoyment of good food. Imma stick with 16:8 though. 

*jnatm*

Jumjum returns!

Dear jumjum...

  While waiting for 10 mins incubation to go by for an experiment, I had a conversation with David today about what we do in our free time. He brought up sports, I talked about reading and guitar and then we both talked about the Youtube genres that are our weaknesses. After finally submitting something I put off for awhile, I was mulling over whether to start a new book tonight since I did not feel like working anymore but it is a bit too early for bed. Then it suddenly occurred to me that blogging never crossed my mind during our chat this afternoon- and for good reasons.

  Before university, writing was always at the back of my mind. I'd have a fleeting thought or an interesting moment and I would immediately go, 'oh I should write that down'. It certainly isn't like that anymore and I actually feel demotivated to write: I have a ton of half-written posts floating around in draft-space, possibly forever!

  It also occurred to me tonight that if this blog was my child, it would be 10 this year and attending primary 4! I am aware that that is a crazy metric for how long a virtual thing has existed, but it still blows my mind. I also remember the joy that reading these blog posts bring me and so I am determined to write and not let this child die!

  Perhaps we should start with David. David is the second undergraduate student that I guide in the lab. Crazy, right?! The first was Sarah, a final year student. When she showed me her FYP poster for my feedback it felt funny. Funny because it was only last year that I was preparing my FYP poster and yet, I didn't feel totally unqualified to comment on hers. It is the 5th year that I have been in HK, yet it doesn't feel like so long ago when we were freshmen. I must agree, however, that I have changed, most significantly in the past year. 

  The first year of MPhil has been...uncomfortable. I am still adjusting to not having concrete deadlines for most of my work, and I am finding out that I am quite the procrastinator when left to my own devices. For the first few months, surrounded by bright minds and hardworking bodies, I questioned if I was good enough for this. It is also hard to be here without the familiar faces of my gang, and all those Chinese 名句s we learnt about the sorrows of 物是人非 comes back in waves. 

  Being a hall tutor has definitely made its mark on my character. Since socialising is now my job, it is less daunting than it used to be. I also learned to relax when hosting floor events because the stress oozes out of you like a bad smell. It is kinda nice to hang around the young undergraduate folks who worry over midterms and projects- they remind me of a young me and I like to call them 'the kids' (although people have repeatedly reminded me that I was a 'kid' just last year and one or two of those 'kids' are actually the same age as me ;) ). Hall tutor perks aside, I'm glad that I convinced myself to try for the position, because I knew that it would help me grow. 

  Here's to the postgrad life ahead and (hopefully) blogging on the regular!

*jnatm*

Opening the 'Letter to the Future Me'

Dear jumjum...

  Four years ago at the start of our first semester of uni- when our uni life was stretched out before us and graduation seemed so far away, my friends and I decided to write a letter to ourselves to be read upon graduation. 

http://jumjumjump.blogspot.hk/2013/09/letter-to-future-you.html

  My graduation ceremony was almost 2 weeks ago, but I only remembered to open it tonight. 

  You know how I always set up high expectations for events in my life? This was both a case of future- and retro-expectation. Four years ago, I was expecting myself to be a well-adjusted, confident (and thin!) woman with a clear path in life. Tonight, I was expecting the letter from young Jacq to be insightful, inspiring and well-written. Both Jacqs were disappointed! The letter sounded to me like it was written by a baby! Bleh. It still did make me cry though...but what else is new? ;)

"...yes I am"

I still question myself every single day!

*atm*