Thoughts of blogging have ebbed and flowed increasingly over the past few months. Partly contributing is that like countless others, the pandemic has shifted my focus and perspective on what I value and want in life. In particular, my two month extended break at home ('what if I never left?') and the impending end of my formal studies ('to leave or not to leave academia?') has left open-ended tabs in my mind.
Four years ago when I decided to do my MPhil degree, I also gave myself an out: 'I'm just trying this research thing out and I can do something else after 2 years if it doesn't suit me.' At the end of 2 years, I felt like it wasn't enough trial time and I continued on to my PhD still feeling like an imposter. It feels like a joke that in my final year, I still haven't decided if this is for me. At a labmate's first MPhil lab meeting presentation last week, I envied that she was at the starting point and I wanted a do-over and that "clean slate" to maximise my productivity. I've come to the realisation that in the past four years, I wasted so much time and energy on worrying if I'm on the right path. I am also painfully aware that this worrying and time-wasting is ongoing.
I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I'm sitting here in Starbucks on a Sunday, catching up on papers while flipping through the open tabs of my mind. I shared my worries chatting with Cat and on a call with my mum, after which I just felt overwhelmed with gratitude. Yes, I'm graduating in less than a year and I don't know where I'll go. Yes, I have four projects that seem impossible to finish in that time. But all I am at this moment is grateful for the support of family and friends, a great supervisor and exciting projects. There are inifinite possibilities to the paths I take, but right now I'm happy that I'm happy with this one.
*atm*
